Thoughts which carry me to Jesus, and to the Cross…

“LORD, answer me quickly, because I am getting weak. Don’t turn away from me, or I will be like those who are dead. Tell me in the morning about your love, because I trust you. Show me what I should do, because my prayers go up to you.” (Psalm 143:7–8, NCV)

LORD, I know Thou livest, And dost plead for me; Make me very thankful In my prayer to Thee. Soon I hope in glory At Thy side to stand; Make me fit to meet Thee In that happy land. Amen.

It is what I have repeatedly called “mystical wishful thinking,” made up of useless daydreams and empty ideals: If only I hadn’t married, if only I did not have this job, if only I had better health, or was younger, or had more time! Like everything valuable the solution is costly. It lies in the search for the true center of human life, which can give priority, order, and meaning to everything. We find this center in our relations with God by means of a genuine interior life. By making Christ the center of our lives, we discover the meaning of the mission he has entrusted to us. We have a human ideal that becomes divine. New horizons of hope open up in our life, and we come to the point of sacrificing willingly, not just this or that aspect of our activity, but our whole life, thus giving it, paradoxically, its deepest fulfillment. The problem you pose is not confined to women. At some time or other, many men experience the same sort of thing, with slightly different characteristics. The source of the trouble is usually the same—lack of a high ideal that can only be discovered with God’s light.

I am a pastor, a husband, a father, a musician (if a below average/average one), and several other roles, some are interesting, some are frightening, some are…amazing.

But I am getting to the age where some of these will change–some more dramatically than others. As I approach 60, and have considerable health issues, I note that my fingers don’t scale the keyboard or the strings with the same agility that was once there. It takes longer to recover, longer to process deeper thoughts, longer even to get up from the commode! (Okay – my sense of humor is deteriorating as well!) Doctors tell me scary things about the future, and friends remind me that the past is even further in the mirror than it appears!

It’s not the first time I’ve faced major changes in life. After a cardiac arrest and a double heart valve replacement things and activities which helped define who I am disappeared in life. There have been positive changes as well–entering the ministry, completing my Ph.D. in Liturgical Worship and Pastoral Care, taking on roles in my church brotherhood.

Change is difficult. I didn’t like it then, I am sure I will struggle with it in the years to come. Especially as the weakness the Psalmist mentions approaches. There are moments like he mentions, where without the influence of God in my world, death would seem a likely reality, if not a preferable one. Not that I live with a death wish, and I haven’t bought a motorcycle… but life’s value seems to be limited to far less than it once was.

I go thorough Josemaria’s wishful thinking, if only I didn’t have scoliosis, or congestive heart failure, if only I had more energy, and could process things as I think I once did. I have 10,000 “if only’s”, and 10 times that a desire to find that which is my life, that which helps me live it with the right priorities and an undeniable meaning to life.

My first church had a great, simple slogan, “teaching Christ-centered living!” That is what the people wanted form their pastor, and we struggled wiht it together. My present church another awesome one, as we strive to be a place where “people find healing and hope in Jesus, while helping others heal!” That is where we find the fulfillment of our community, in those two simple statements. It is also, with a little diversity, where we individually find our meaning, our priorities (I don’t like finding order that much!) and our lives.

In this intimate relationship with Jesus, which leads to an intimate relationship with God our Father, as the Holy Spirit brings us to life from the spiritual death we know all to well without Him. This is the work of God in our lives as individuals, and as a community of faith.  It is the work we share with Him in that community, even as we look forward to the answer to Loehe’s prayer — as we come to the fulfillment of our hope to stand at God’s side, for Jesus has died, and risen, to make us fit to meet Him there.

To realize that prayer was one Loehe advocated teaching, not to the infirm, but to children is mind-blowing – for they would live their lives praying it, knowing that soon (by God’s standards!) we would be home with Him. That is the answer, that is what needs to be reinforced, as Jesus reminds us of His presence and love every morning…

This is what defines me, far more than my name, my ancestory, my political beliefs, my myriad of roles in life. It should define you as well, and if you can’t see it yet, let’s talk…. for He loves you–and you need to know that!

Lœhe, W. (1914). Seed-Grains of Prayer: A Manual for Evangelical Christians (H. A. Weller, Trans.; p. 604). Wartburg Publishing House.

Escrivá, Josemaría. Conversations with Saint Josemaria Escriva . Scepter Publishers. Kindle Edition.